Sep 30

The man’s role is to attract and make himself available but not chase. Just like it’s the man’s role to build desire in a woman but not fight for her attention.

Unfortunately, since social programming is very ingrained in the minds of people, the man must “chase” without giving the vibe that he is chasing. He has to do this to get his foot in the door, but in such a way so as to not lose attraction. In other words, he has to be the one to initiate a get together but do it in such a way that the woman does not feel he is trying to win her over.

For example, touching base over the phone or email but not directly pushing for a get together, and doing this until she hints at a get together herself. Another example is inviting her out for a drink to see if there’s compatibility, but not inviting her out for dinner. This is especially important if you met a woman from the internet. You keep the first meeting brief and if there’s a connection then you meet again in the future where you can spend more time with her. Why devote an entire saturday night to a woman whom you haven’t yet established a connection with?

To make sense of all this, one analogy that I find very useful is sales. In sales, there is a buyer and seller.

Men do the selling. Women do the buying. Both are powerful roles. The woman’s role is powerful because she can choose the one she wants and if she doesn’t find him appealing she can move on to the next. The man’s role is powerful because he can always get another buyer (assuming he has a quality product). The man’s role is active since he has to advertise, make himself available, and demonstrate attractive qualities. But unlike women, men are not automatically cast into this role. Men have to work at “selling”. Women, on the other hand, have a passive role and whether they like it or not are thrown into it. Simply put, the game is taken to them, and so naturally they get good at it over time. Just like the average consumer becomes very product smart over time, just by constant exposure to merchants wanting to sell something.

As the seller the man gets to set the frame. He sells what he sells and that won’t (shouldn’t change) for the sake of the buyer (the woman). The man doesn’t choose (chase). He merely sells, to whoever is willing to buy. The price is fixed (although some negotiation is always possible). And he may have to do a credit check to make sure the buyer is actually able to pay, but that’s where screening comes in.

Problems occur when the seller chases after someone to make a sale. He appears needy and the quality of his product becomes suspect, and the resistance to making the sale greatly increases.

The woman can’t have the power of choice and set the frame at the same time. Just like the man can’t hold the frame and chase (choose) at the same time. That is a mismatch. The frame (the conditions and direction of the sale) can only come from the seller.

Chasing is a form of active choosing. It helps the woman validate her decision to buy so that she doesn’t get “buyer’s remorse”. Furthermore, it is not unnattractive at all for a woman to chase. It can be done from a position of self-respect and can be quite rewarding for her in the end.

It only makes sense for the woman to chase (choose) if any chasing is to be done at all. Where things get twisted is where men are told that they should sell and chase, and women are told that they should choose and sell. You cannot have both.

In simpler terms it is the man’s job to lead the interaction and the woman’s job to choose to be part of that. She has to be given that choice, ie. “I want to be there” or “I don’t want to be there”, not “I want to be there and let’s do this…because I want to be in charge too” - that is not the way the dynamic is meant to work.

Sep 30

Why do some women always have men pursuing them, no matter what their age? I have a friend who is 74 who continually has interesting successful men asking her out. When I grow up, I want to be like her. She has sparkle. She has charm. She is a man magnet.

Recently, I asked a popular man magnet what some of her strategies were for attracting men, and research substantiates many of her points. Here are five secret tips to help you attract the man you want:

* Stand in the middle of the room.

Whenever you go to a party, try standing in the center of the room. (Don’t hunch your shoulders, slouch, or wear a pair of shoes that hurt your feet so much you can’t stand to stand.) Move around a little, talk with people near you, but if you want to be in a position to choose who you want to meet, never sit down. Stand smack dab in the middle of the crowd. When you see someone interesting, move near them–gracefully– and start a conversation.

* Stand at the corners of the bar.

If you are at a bar, pub, or nightclub, staying at the corners of the bar is a good position. It’s easier to meet people there. Bartenders tend to talk to the people at the corners also. The worst place to be seen is hanging out near the wall or sitting at a table or booth with other people. You are more difficult to approach if you are in a huddle with others. Go places with friends, but break away from them periodically and talk to people on your own.

* Look your best.

This may sound too obvious, but you never know where or when you are going to meet someone. Never go out of the house without looking your best. Even if you are headed to the gym or a run around the block, put on some lipstick and comb your hair. Know what colors you look good in, and wear attractive clothes in your best shades. Men are attracted to pink-peach. That color is flattering to most skin tones. People are also attracted to you when you are wearing the color(s) of your eyes. (You have multiple colors in your eyes–choose clothes that include one of those colors.)

* Be aware of your body language.

Body language is everything. Smile a lot, look people in the eyes, and when you see someone you are interested in, tilt your head, drop your eyes, and then look back at him. This may sound contrived, but it helps to know what subliminal messages are being sent by your actions. Apparently, giving your hair a slight flip is also an attraction signal, as well as stroking the inside of your arm or your neck. If a man is standing across the room, this is one way to let him know that you would be interested in talking to him.

* What not to do.

Attractive women know not to: talk about themselves non-stop, fold their arms, chew gum, pick at their nails, jiggle their foot, or crunch ice. All of this behavior suggests anxiety, frustration, or poor manners. Also–don’t talk about your Ex. That is a major turn off.

When you go out and see attractive single men you want to meet, practice the above five secrets. Being a man magnet simply means that you are in control of the outcome of your evening, your week, and your life. Enjoy the adventure!

Sep 30

They say they like a challenge, and they say they like a strong woman. So why is it that many of the challenging and strong women… dine alone?

It doesn’t seem fair. The women who are competitive, strong, and worthy of the same income that men receive often times lose at love. They hide themselves in their work, and wonder what they are doing wrong?

I saw a Dr. Phil episode yesterday that had a female helicopter fighter pilot on who was 33 and had never worn a dress. She was single and looking but didn’t know why she wasn’t landing a man. She was darling and open and guess what they gave her with Dr. Phil’s co-host for the day? Ms. Star Jones Reynolds treated her to A MAKE OVER!

They put that lady in a dress for the first time in her life! They put her in heels! And even though she had never dressed up, she admitted that she loved grabbing back her femininity and feeling like a LADY!!!

It was such a great lesson to see right there on TV. They showed a strong, successful and confidant woman in her professional life, become a lady right before our eyes. They cut and color treated her hair, they put on make up, and they went shopping to find outfits that were flattering and feminine. The smile on her face told it all… she LOVED the new HER! And who wouldn’t be attracted to that? Her face lit up the whole TV. She also admitted to Dr. Phil that she dressed that way to reject men BEFORE they rejected HER. She constantly had her guard up, and that was what was intimidating to men! It was DEFINITELY good TV that day!

I remember going through a similar transformation. I was in my freshman year in college and hung out with all of the boys. They were my buds! But when it came time to go to a dance or event, I was sitting on the sidelines. I remember when one guy said some mean things to me that hurt my feelings and I knew… He doesn’t respect me. I knew then that I needed to take back the power and present myself as WHO I was on the inside, but not showing on the outside.

I disappeared and stopped “hanging out” with the boys. I ate at other dining halls and hit the gym. I lost some weight, gave myself my own makeover and showed up about a month later as the NEW ME! And what happened?

The boys FAWNED all over me! They asked me out for ice cream! They asked me out to the movies! They didn’t want to just hang OUT with me anymore, they now wanted to DATE me. For the first time in my life, I was treated like a QUEEN… and it felt great!

I’ve had to go through transformation many times since. There are times where it’s good to be “one of the boys” in business, and definitely times where it’s good to be “all girl”. When I’m traveling on my TV tours with two 50lb suitcases, it’s GOOD to be all GIRL! I get help wherever I go and am gracious and appreciative and make all of the men who help me feel glad that they did.

That is the secret! Men want to HELP women! They want to help take CARE of them. It’s not so hard when you understand that most men want a woman who needs THEM!

I spent an hour talking with a guy name Kyle on the treadmill yesterday at the YMCA. He is a “house husband” after working 20 years in TV. His wife is a very successful financial consultant who takes care of the finances. But he takes care of THEM. While she’s smart at business, she’s still his wife who he considers to be a “sweet, dizzy little red head”. And it was obvious that he completely ADORES her. It appears that his wife has learned the secret of making her man feel NEEDED. He dotes on her and takes care of her. So obviously, their relationship works.

I’m not saying that all of us who are strong and secure and confident need to become “dizzy women”. Not at all! That’s only a PART of our personalities!!! No, but I am suggesting that we tell the men in our lives that they’re great… and thank them for the things that they do for us and PRAISE them when they go the extra mile. Everyone wants to be appreciated … and it’s not a hard thing to do: Just look for the good in a person and acknowledge it!

My new friend Kyle told me this: Men are superficial. They’re easy to figure out. They’re not that deep. They want 3 things: Food, Sex, and Sports; and not necessarily in that order. If they have the slightest bit of thought that they might get one of those things out of a woman, they’ll do anything for her!

I thought it was a little simplistic, but well worth thinking about. Of course my own husband disagreed and explained to me how he loves our whole life, our child, family and what we have together. I have to admit, I liked that analogy a lot better! But Kyle does speak for a majority of men and it’s worth keeping in the back of your mind if you’re single and looking for a relationship!

So if you’re starting the New Year with the hopes of adding a terrific someone to your life, then think about doing a few simple things: 1. Get a “make over” so you feel terrific! 2. Next focus on others and let people know they’re special, and 3. Let your guard down to take a chance at love. If you give them a chance to see the beautiful and feminine creature that you are inside, just how are they going to be able to resist you?

My bet is that they WON’T!!

Sep 30

Teen dating can seem like a game that no one ever wins. The truth is, very few people actually do. There are tons of explanations for how hard it can be, but one of the biggest reasons is confusion. There are two basic types of relationship: affection-based and convenience-based. Neither is better, but it’s important to know which one you want before going looking for the right guy, or else you’ll just end up with a bunch of people you never really wanted to be with in the first place.

People who want affection-based relationships usually want someone to be a soul mate, and want to know everything about that person… the good and the bad. The type of love that exists after the excitement wears off is a lot like the love between a mother and child, or between close brothers or sisters.

People who want convenience-based relationships usually look for a person who can fulfill their needs at the present time. These people don’t necessarily want a long-term relationship, they want someone compatible, and who has similar interests. For example, you might want an outgoing guy who isn’t afraid to dance because you like clubbing.

If you’re affection-based, read these tips:

  • Even if you feel a very deep connection, you don’t have to spill your heart out on the first date.
  • Don’t be afraid to stray away from your usual hang-out to meet new people. Some of the best catches are the hardest to find.
  • Always, always be yourself. Never lie or hide from who you are because you are scared of what he might think. Those who truly love you will love you anyway.
  • Ask him questions, and always take interest. Also, ask questions that will let you know what kind of guy he is so you don’t get stuck with someone you don’t even like.
  • Don’t be afraid to open up.
  • Always smile. And if he doesn’t kiss you at the end of the date, kiss him!
  • Dress in a way that reflects who you are

If you’re convenience-based, read these tips:

  • If you’re looking for someone with common interests, meet him somewhere you like being, like at a club or the movies.
  • Never be afraid to approach a guy. He’ll probably be more attracted to you if you make the first move, just don’t come on too strong… he has to do some work too.
  • Always smile. Laugh, but remember not to sound too much like a dumb blonde.
  • Make-up is good, but don’t try to look like you should be on a street corner at 2am.
  • Wearing you hair down is hotter than hair up.
  • Make sure he has to chase you down. No guy wants what he can easily have. Play a little “hard-to-get,” it’s worth it.
  • Don’t ask for his phone number. If he likes you, and knows you like him, he’ll find you.
  • Wear seductive colors. Reds, blacks, and whites are best
Sep 30

The dating process is one of the most universally perplexing processes. The art and act of dating confounds even the most resolute of people dating. Dating requires that you be forthcoming, take some risks, become a good observer and listener, and trust and act on your observations and intuitions.

One essential reason to become a good observer is to be able to recognize unacceptable behavior and stop dating someone ASAP. Dating is a process and part of the process is to be an active participant and to be proactive in your decision-making and choices.

Don’t let dating just happen to you.

Recently a friend of mine canceled a mid-week dinner date with a man she had been dating a few weeks. When she called him (the morning before the scheduled date) he wasn’t home so she left a message on his answering machine explaining that she had a business conflict and look forward to seeing him soon.

She returned home later that evening to find a message on her machine in which he made accusations, called her names, and hung up abruptly. When she called him to talk about his unacceptable message he was remorseful and apologetic. He said canceling dinner hurt his feelings, and when he called to see if she was all right and she wasn’t home, he became worried.

My friend observed how this man behaves when his feelings are hurt and he is worried. She believed what he told her about himself and had the courage to stop dating him because his behaviors are not behaviors that match her value for being treated with kindness and respect by people she invites into her world.

I can already hear some of you groaning and saying, “But this was only one experience…”

For all of you who are giving this man the benefit of the doubt, I invite you to review your own relationship histories.

· When did you know what you didn’t want to know, that ultimately caused you or a partner to end a relationship?

· Don’t think that just because you are dating someone you have to accept all of their idiosyncrasies, quirks, and behaviors.

· You are involved in a process that should result in you being able to create a life-long, love relationship in which you feel loved, respected, cherished, and experience deep passion and joy.

· Accepting someone’s bad behavior, no matter what the reason, is not part of the process.

People tell us about themselves from the very beginning. Have the willingness and courage to hear them accurately and believe them!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Sep 30

Mature men and women who are dating have many questions about money and issues related to money management.

The most frequent question I am asked by men is how to avoid always picking up the tab.

There are four easy steps to learn and follow:

Step 1:

First determine the occasions that you can imagine choosing to “pick up the tab”: you invite a friend to dinner to celebrate his birthday; you take a friend or family member to lunch as a way to say thank you for checking on your house when you were away.

Step 2:

Recognize that it is important to address this issue at the time you ask someone for the date, not when you are sitting in a restaurant or standing in line for movie tickets.

Step 3:

Develop phrases that sound like you and accurately convey what you mean to say. Examples: “This is a bit awkward for me to say but, I prefer if we each pay for ourselves. How does that sound to you?” or “I am more comfortable if we each pay for ourselves. Is that all right with you?”

Step 4:

It is perfectly acceptable to say that something is too expensive for you at this time or to suggest an alternative that is more in your price range.

When it comes to money, honesty and a forthright attitude is the best policy. It is essential to become willing and able to discuss money and finances whenever you decide it is in your best interest to do so!

Money is on everybody’s mind anyway. Believe it or not, most people will be relieved and appreciative. If you run into the occasional person who is affronted or insulted, please, oh please let it be about them. Do not take that on as being about you.

This is a skill that you can learn. You can become fluent and comfortable talking about money. Experiment with this a few times and let me know how it is going.

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Sep 30

Men and women are always curious about how to engage each other in conversations about money. What questions are OK to ask? When do you start asking direct questions about money?

Everybody wants to be sure they are financially compatible before they commit to a long-term partnership, but very few are comfortable talking about the issues.

Being able to accurately assess financial compatibility is an essential aspect of the dating process and can also be a helpful skill in existing relationships as well. There is no substitute for spending time together in many different situations, listening carefully to personal sharing, and observing behavior.

Let’s talk about your money personality. Your money personality is not dependent on how much money you earn. It has specifically to do with values, beliefs, concepts, fears, and fantasies about money.

Ask yourself these questions:

· What did your parents tell you about money?

· What did you learn from observing your parents and their habits around money and with money matters?

· What are your beliefs about earning, spending, saving, tithing, investing, and credit?

· What are your ideas about earning more or less money than your partner?

· Would you be willing/able to support someone temporarily? Long-term?

· Would you be willing/able to let someone support you temporarily? Long-term?

· Do you enter each check in the register and balance your checkbook each month or not? What does it say to you about another person who does or does not do this?

· What do you spend money on?

· Do you pay attention to price?

How well do you know yourself? How easily were you able to answer these questions? What other questions do you have?

Before you open up a discussion about money be sure to clarify your own money psychology and become aware of your beliefs, needs and issues related to money.

When you are dating, it is never too early to offer your points of view about anything to do with money and to listen and observe carefully what others think and say about money.

There is nothing about which to feel embarrassed or ashamed. You are in charge of how you handle money.

Money issues come up sooner or later so you might as well be up front from the start. Your money personalities do not have to be the same as the people you are dating or even the same as your ideal partner’s.

The critical question is how do the differences affect you? Can you live with the consequences that may result from the differences?

Some differences can be easily accommodated. Some differences can cause uneasiness in your relationship resulting in resentments that outlive the love.

Sep 30

When your friends try to fix you up with that wonderful man or woman who they think “will be absolutely perfect for you,” what is your response?

I can already hear all the moaning and groaning out there. Believe it or not, the vast majority of men and women, regardless of age, education, ethnicity, and socio-economic background, would rather sit home alone rather than be fixed-up by well-intentioned friends or co-workers.

Why is that, do you suppose?

In a mini-survey I took recently, most of the dozen or so respondents told me that “fix-up dates” were almost always a disaster. Men were too short, women weren’t attractive, they didn’t have anything in common, there wasn’t any chemistry, conversation was difficult, s/he was boring, and on and on.

When I probed further I also discovered that men and women, alike, had a sense of doom and failure before they ever went out on the fix-up date. It seems that there is a prevailing thought that being fixed-up is a last resort and something that one needs because one simply can’t find anyone to go out with or date.

I’d like to invite you all to consider an alternative mind-set about being fixed-up. Think of being fixed-up as a gift from someone who cares for you. It is a rich opportunity to meet someone who would likely not otherwise be in your circle of possibilities; an opportunity to become acquainted with someone completely different from that man or woman you would be attracted to and be interested in taking out.

And that is the problem, isn’t it? You don’t have any prior interest in, sense of, or attraction to a person you are fixed up with. In the absence of prior interest or attraction - physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, or spiritual - you may feel awkward or uncomfortable, have trouble staying present, and conversation may seem strained or forced.

Remember that the dynamic between you and a person you have never met will be different than with a person you have met but do not know. Though it may feel like you know a virtual stranger with whom you have spent several minutes in an initial encounter, in fact, s/he is as much of a stranger as if you had never met.

Think of an initial encounter with someone with whom you have been fixed up as an adventure in living. Have fun asking interesting questions and offering interesting personal information. Make it a new habit to say yes to the kind overtures of friends who want you to meet someone they think will be “just perfect for you”!

Sep 30

Have you ever met someone and wanted to see him again? Or talk to her again? When you first meet someone and are interested in connecting with her again, how and where do you try to contact her? How and where would you like him to contact you?

Contact information etiquette is essential if you date once in a while or are actively dating to find your ideal mate.

Consider these things:

· Do you want someone you just met to have your home phone number? Office phone number? Cell phone number?

· Do you have an alternate voice mail number you give out to men or women you meet and start dating?

· Is it okay with you to receive calls at all hours of the day and night?

· Is it okay with you to receive e-mails at your place of business?

· Do you have an alternate mailbox or e-mail address for personal/social contacts?

· Do you have any concerns inviting someone you just met into your home? Home neighborhood? Office? Office neighborhood?

· Are you welcoming of someone you just met or are getting to know dropping in on you at home? In the office? Calling you anytime the mood strikes?

Think about these things carefully. Talk to your friends and family members about the whole area of contact information etiquette. Are there any behaviors that you want to add to my list for yourself?

Decide what is comfortable or preferable for you. Set the boundaries that match for you and honor your beliefs and values. Don’t worry about how the other person is going to view this. You are the important person in your picture. There are no right or wrong choices. There are just your choices that affirm and honor you!

I am going to offer one word of caution. When setting up the first 5 to 8 meetings, make every conceivable effort to avoid inviting strangers into your home, home neighborhood and into your office.

And yes, men and women you meet and start dating are strangers! Please be clear about this. It doesn’t matter who you think they are or who you want them to be. Until you have personal experience with people over time, they are strangers.

Invite them for coffee or lunch or a stroll through an art gallery or museum. Meet them in the coffee house, restaurant or art gallery. Invite a friend to join you and this “new” special person. Park your car down the street, not in the restaurant parking lot. Say goodbye in front of the art gallery. This used to be good advice for women. Today, it is just plain good advice!

Be savvy and be safe. Help people understand what you expect and how to treat you. Take a deep breath, connect to what you know and go for it!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Sep 30

When you plan a date, plan to participate in interests and activities that you enjoy. Invite someone into your life. Be willing to let the people you date experience you, in the places in which you are the most comfortable doing the things that you most love to do.

Dates are a time to create opportunities to do the things you most enjoy. On dates, listen carefully to your inner voice(s) and to the person you are with. Experience the other person and who he or she is in their heart and soul.

If you enjoy good food, explore interesting restaurants and out-of-the-way eateries that ignite your enjoyment and share them with new people.

If you are moved by things of beauty, make a list of beautiful places and interesting buildings in your area to visit on a date. If you want to attract passion you must be passionate!

If you are a patron of the arts frequent your local art galleries, community theatres and musician hang-outs. Most communities have art festivals, art walks, craft shows; small galleries have “meet the artist nights” with great munchies and they are usually free; high schools and colleges often have musical and theatrical productions that rival the pros.

If you love to walk or hike, take some time and mark out some city walks to take just as if you were a tourist getting to know your city. Or grab a book on local hiking trails and keep it handy.

You get the idea!

Remember: Dating is the time that you are checking out the one you are dating. You are observing, listening, and getting a sense of who he or she is. Not visa versa!!

Be actively engaged in the life that you love, and you will more readily attract the love of your life!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

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